My Testimony
I was born and raised in
Amarillo, TX. I was raised in the Presbyterian Church to about the 9th
grade. Basically, Church was crammed
down my throat and my dad did not go to church.
I hated it with every fiber in my being.
I got picked on, beat up, and didn’t get taught about who this man was
they called Jesus. I remember he died on
the cross for my sins, But what in the hell did that mean? I can tell you this … as soon as I was old enough t make it
miserable for my mom when I went she quit making me go. Went to school in Canyon Texas …. Jr High
and high school
My journey started when
I was around 5. I just remember sitting
in that bathroom at my dad’s friend’s house looking at the stack of
Playboy’s. My family and I would go over
to their house every Friday or Sat. night for years. I remember getting so excited about going
over there because I knew I would get to look at the magazines. Also during those same years was the first
time I got a buzz on alcohol (cold duck).
When I went into the seventh grade, I found my dad’s video porn in his
closet. That was the first time I saw
any type of video. In the 9th
grade I started smoking pot and by the time I was a senior in high school I was
a full-blown drug addict (cocaine, pot, meth and LSD). I was shooting drugs intravenously by the
time I was 15. I also had a collection
of porn mags stashed around.
Not having God in my
life has caused many problems. Even
though I did not have Jesus, He still watched over me. I should have been killed four times in motor
vehicle wrecks in 9 months. Hit big dog
going 55 mph on motorcycle, Lady ran red
light and I caved in her windshield with my head and totaled my bike, laid my Harley down doing 76 mph and totaled
my car after hitting underpass pillar head on doing 40 mph, I should have overdosed twice and died from cocaine
abuse but I am still here. I remember
waking up on Monday mornings many times and not knowing how I got home the day
before on my motorcycle because I was so drunk.
I remember being mad at
God for allowing my son to die in 1991,
If you are real then why is my son DEAD!
I knew he was real, I learned that
much in church, But I was pissed. The preacher gave me a bible ….. I did’t read
it …. Why should I. God let my son die!
I
had led a life of numerous addictions, some almost killed me but none were more
devastating than pornography. The porn
addiction really did not surface until I got clean off drugs in 1988. I used the porn to replace the drugs. I did not recognize I had a problem until
1995 when my now ex-wife busted me on the Internet and I could not explain
myself. In June 2001, I decide to get
some professional help. I also asked my
ex to get some marriage counseling with me and she said no. I had been viewing porn off and on for almost
35 years. I really did not think it was
a problem until the year 1998. Truly by
the Grace of God, I am drug free and porn free today.
My life as I knew it
came crashing down on August 16, 2001 at 9:30pm. (I had just turned 40 on
8/4) That was the night my ex-wife
rolled over in bed and said that she did not respect me any more (after being
together for over 17 years). My life as
I knew it changed forever. I cried like
a baby, did not sleep, and had nobody to turn to except my 11-year-old daughter
Nichole (I didn’t know the Lord yet or that I could turn to Him). At that moment, I felt like Nichole was the
only friend I had. (I know now that I was very co-dependent with her at that
time.) The next day I called my
therapist and three close friends of mine.
One friend in prior conversation had told me about this church and its
pastor, Brad Small who had a sexual addiction in his past; she thought that he
could help me.
Monday morning I showed
up at 9:00 am in Brad’s office crying like I had never cried before. He came in his office with one of the elders;
Wib and they took me in with open arms.
They both talked to me for an hour and half and prayed over me. That was the beginning of my relationship
with God, Brad, Wib, and the church. I
had never had God in my life before and so this was a struggle but God got me
through it. I have never looked back.
August 20th
was the first time in years that I had picked up the bible and read in it. My friend Merritt said to read the Psalms, so
I did.
That Friday I started going to Celebrate
Recovery and immediately made friends although I was scared. I was received with open arms. Amarillo South is such a friendly church. I started listening to praise music and now
that is all I listen too. Within a month
after that, I found a small group that I liked which was at Brad’s house. I went to both of the men’s accountability
groups. One met at 6:30 AM on Tuesday
mornings and the other met at 6:00 on Thursday evenings. The other thing that I did was go to church
every Sunday. Sometimes I would go to
both services. I also did not play golf on Sunday any more. I also developed a quiet time, which is so
important. I read in my Bible 15 to 30
minutes every morning.
August, September,
October, November and December of 2001 were very tough months but I got through
them with God’s help and the friends that I had made in Brad and Allison’s
small group. December 31st to
me was the official start of my walk with the Lord. I had a conversation with a very close
friend of mine. We discussed how you
know if it is God’s will or your will.
She explained it to me very well.
My Salvation story. On Jan 1st 2002 I just buried
myself in the Bible and my praise music.
That was the first time I was actually moved by reading the Bible. I knew
that day, that Jesus had saved me and I was going to heaven. That day I confessed with my mouth and
believed in my heart that Jesus is Lord. Romans 10:9 Through the months of Jan. and Feb. my friend helped me so much with my walk. I immersed myself in the Bible and anything
that had to do with Jimmy Evans at Trinity Fellowship. Books and tapes like Marriage on the rock . .
. . Freedom from you past, Return to
Intimacy. I read them all and listened
to them all. I found out through reading Marriage on the Rock that I was a
dominant, angry and verbally abusive husband who committed adultery with
internet women every night and every day.
I WAS AND ADULTER. What women
would want to be married to man like that?
The Bible says stand by your man.
My ex wife did that for years.
She stood by me on lots of things even though she did not like it. I will always admire her for that. The only problem with that is that when I did
do something wrong, she wouldn’t tell me and she would go to bed angry and
resentful. I will take 50% of the
responsibility in the demise of my first marriage and I can honestly say . . . . .
I did not know what I was doing.
We had no communication at all.
I did everything in my power to save my marriage,
but it was too late. My ex-wife was gone
and she was not coming back. For the
first time in 17 years I was all alone.
I wasn’t alone though, I had the Lord.
All I had to do was trust him. James 1:12 and 1 Peter 6-7. I now have a
loving relationship with the Lord. On
March 20, 2002 I was baptized. That was
a very awesome experience.
The Lord has turned my life around and I
remarried in June 2003. I met my
wonderful Kelly on www.Eharmony.com and she is truly an answered prayer. Our first date was Nov. 1st. 2002
and we married June 28, 2003. I then
moved from Amarillo, TX. To Arlington, TX in July of 2003. I now have three more bonus children that I
have been blessed with. Our first year of marriage was tough but we made it
with the Lord’s help. Now it just keeps
getting better and better. 2005 was a
good year. I did have a major glitch
though. I let my mind stray somewhat and
I got on the Internet and looked at pornography for the first time since we had been married. I had been looking for a couple of minutes
every other night for the previous couple of weeks. I can remember asking the Lord for help. I actually asked to get caught and Sunday
Feb. 27, 2005 I got on for about 20 seconds and she caught me. That was a very
difficult time in our marriage. I
learned in the next couple of weeks of what it is like to be married to a Godly
woman. I learned that the Blood of Jesus
covers all things and it is not selective.
When I look back at the chain of events that led me to start searching
the Internet, I remember that my quiet time went first and then my prayer life
left me. We all know what happens when we cut off communication to the
Lord. At that time I was involved in a
men’s accountability group that I actually co-led. The problem was that I was not being honest
with the brothers in the group. I was trying to stay pure for them instead of
staying pure for the Lord
How about the other part of my growing
up. The part where my mom and dad never
told me they loved me. ( I am sure they did I just don’t remember) I never seemed to be able to do what was
expected of me. I was a
troublemaker. I figured that since I
couldn't get the positive attention I needed then I would do the negative stuff
to get attention. In the first grade I
got sent to the office every day. I
went through high school but did not graduate. (So what) I still went to college. When I look back I can see where I received
many wounds from my parents. (They did
not do it on purpose) My dad was not
around allot. He had his own business
and worked all the time. Occasional we
would do things together but not near enough.
My dad would always miss my track and swim meets at camp. That hurt.
Only until just recently did I realize that I had a spirit of rejection
on me. Rejection from my parents was
probably my biggest wound.
. I
went back as a staff member on the March Quest 06 and Father continues to move
in my life. You might say He peeled off
another layer. I now know what it is
like to walk in complete obedience.
Walking in obedience is complete freedom. Walking in obedience is listening to the
Lord. The more you walk in obedience the easier it is to hear the Lord when He
speaks to you. I learned Radical
obedience always precedes the miraculous.
When you walk in obedience you will have no FEAR, because what you have
is the Lord's promises. . The
Truth. We all know that the truth will
set you FREE!! I also realized that just
because you’re saved doesn’t mean you are free and just because you have
religion doesn’t mean you are saved.
Religion will not get you to Heaven but Jesus will
Went back as staff in June, 2006
OH MY GOSH!!!
The Lord showed up again. This time he showed me something about me
being in sexual addiction recovery that I did not know. He showed me that when you break your arm it
is broken. When your arm is in a cast it
is in recovery. When the doctor cuts off
the cast you are healed! You are not
still in recovery. During the ministry
time with the staff it was revealed to me that I have labeled myself as being
in recovery from sexual addiction when in fact I have been in torment the last
five years. Jesus showed me that I am healed
of sexual addiction and I know longer wear the label of a recovering sexual
addict but a healed one. So once again
our great and wondrous God peeled off another layer.
Went back again in August 2006 and November 2006
The rest of my salvation story happened in
February 2007 on my way to Amarillo to install some windows at my brother’s
house. I was listening to an allegory
called Affabell by John Bevere. It absolutely
rattled my cage. I had been struggling ever
since I got saved on January 1 2002 with the enemy telling me it was not
real. This day I pulled off the side of
the road. It was 20 degrees the wind blowing
30 mph and snowing. I got out of my
truck got into the bar ditch in my short sleeves and with my hands held high I
made Jesus my Lord and I have not looked back.
God is so faithful, one more layer peeled off. I have since gone back and served four times a year ever since.
I know where the Lord wants me;
I am now a Men's Minister with Fellowship of the Sword. I am in awe of how the Lord continues to work
through me. My wife went on her Heart
Quest in Feb. 06 and is now a released women's minister with Fellowship of the
Sword. The Lord has used Fellowship of
the Sword to save my life and to show me what a real man looks like........
Jesus with skin on. There are so many
things the Lord has shown me every time I go back. If you ever want to know I
will share them with you on the phone or in person.
The Lord has restored me
and he can restore you. In March 2008 I
got free from the death of my son; I personally feel that by going a Quest and
being involved in the Ministry has saved my marriage. He lifted my cocaine addiction on May 12th
1988. He kept me from death 4 times that
I know of. I have been living a
lifestyle of sexual purity since May of 2001, and although I slipped a few
times after that, Father has faithfully restored me every time. I am porn free! My worst day now as I walk with the Lord is
better than my best day when I did not know Him!
One of my biggest
breakthroughs came on June 22, 08.
Without going in to details because this is a long story. My daughter is a prodigal. The Lord showed me on this day to trust Him
with her.
There is more to this
story, but the bottom line is that for the last two and a half years (2013) I have
been struggling with unbelief and not trusting God. With thinking that says ....... I can do a
better job than You God. That is all
gone and I trust God with everything in my life including whatever happens with
my daughter. The last thing I want to
say is for me, The Quest is all about
Jesus.
I will leave you with
this. Life is all about choices. I asked the Lord one day “why do I continue
to want to look at porn. Why do I feel
like I want to go back?” I hear
“Kevin, you are free you just choose to go back to your old ways. I have given you all of the tools you need to
be free, you choose to not use them all. The ball is in your court.
Thanks and God
Bless
Kevin
Gwyn
2018
No comments:
Post a Comment