Psalm 139

139:23-24 which says

    Search me, O God, and know my heart;

Try me and know my anxious thoughts;

And see if there be any hurtful way in me,

and lead me in the everlasting way.

 

The lie I like to believe is looking at porn is okay occasionally. ( I came up with a new term … Porn Binging.  Like an alcoholic that goes on a drinking binge) I know that is not true, but I want to believe it.  This is what my confessional project centers on.    I struggle with discipline in all areas of my life and it starts with the lack of discipline in my life and it has a trickledown effect in every other area of my life.  I have confessed and repented more times than I can count to the point of sometimes thinking  "What is the point?".  I sometimes feel like I am destined to be like this.  I have my good moments when I can go months without looking at anything.  I know the Holy Spirit showed me a couple years ago that my  biggest issue is it is my choice.  I have given you all of the tools to defeat this.  (Okay I just got my world rocked just now, what comes next is from Holy Spirit,  I have never heard this from Him before,  I am in tears)   but you choose not use everything I have given you  So really the choice is not the fact that I choose not to go there it means that I don't choose what He has given me to beat this thing. Now I can say PRIDE  He showed me that as well.  Sheer determination not to do something is like white knuckling it.  when it comes to not snorting cocaine after using for 5 years,  White knuckling will only take you so far…. I know this for a fact.  I have been there.  I have not touched cocaine since May 12^th 1988 but it was not because I white knuckled it.  Hear is another lie that was just revealed to me.  I did not rely on Jesus to save me from cocaine addiction, it was the fear of losing everything … namely my wife and kids.  It had nothing to do with God.  I am not saying god did not have anything to do with that.  In my mind it was sheer determination and going to the hospital that saved me.  I believe that is the root  ………………………………………………  Holy Spirit says yes that is the root!

The lie was I did it!   I beat the cocaine addiction (that was when there was only one set of foot prints in the sand) and now I feel I can still do it with the lust.  That is a LIE!

Galatians 6:7-9  As I have been mediating on this Wise words from Holy Spirit the last two weeks.  I have come to a couple of conclusions. 

• If I am not sowing to please the Spirit, then there is only one thing left that I am doing and that is sowing to please my sinful nature.  NOT PRETTY!
  
• I will reap a harvest if I don't give up!  I can tell you right now……. When It comes to ME fighting this battle I am weary.
  

Jesus says ….. comes to me all who are weary and heavy laden and I will give you rest for your soul.  I am truly not sure if I have ever allowed rest for my soul.   I am going to say that I DID NOT WANT TO DO THE CONFESSIONAL PROJECT AND I WAS NOT GOING TO DO IT.  It was either be obedient or not… I chose the latter. 

 

Thank you Jesus

John 7.38

John 7:38 ^tHe who believes in Me, as the Scripture has said, ^uout of his heart will flow rivers of living water." I got this passage from Oswald Chambers this morning. He talks about the river of God flowing though us and when there are obstacles in our way, God will remove the obstacles or take you around them. At that point He will show up bigger. As I am reading this morning and being quiet. I hear just be yourself and don't try to be something you're not. What does that mean? .Sometimes we try to be something we are not when we are around certain people. Like going on staff on Quest. If you go because of how it may make you look then I believe you are creating an obstacle. You have to be going for the right reasons and just be yourself. I can't tell you how many times I have gone and felt like I wasn't doing anything and then after the event was over. Men would come up to me and say what a blessing I was. Those men would be the ones I did not connect with. God shined through me in spite of myself. So what I am saying is don't be someone you are not. It does not matter if you are on quest or doing life in the real world. Be who God called you to be.

Are you?