Knowing the Boundaries

Knowing the boundaries. If I don't know me, it is impossible for me to know you.

For me, boundaries are tough and I have crossed over them many times. I find for myself that when I operate within boundaries in relationships I tend to stay out of trouble. Someone once said, "The difference between a pest and a welcomed guest is an invitation." I will give you an example. How many times has something happened in a relationship say your wife where she says "I don't want to talk about that right now and you keep pushing the issue. You have crossed the boundary in to area where you were not invited. I can't tell you how many times in my early days of marriage did d I do that to Kelly and all it did was make her shutdown even more and make me angrier. I was the uninvited pest.

God's word tells us how to communicate effectively. Speak truth in Love because truth spoken out of love is religion and that is ugly. We often times see someone and we feel that we need to speak into them and we might not have the relationship built yet but we cross that boundary and unintentionally push them a way instead of building trust first. It is just like selling a car or anything for that matter. No one is going to buy from you until you have built a repore with them and you are not going to buy anything from anyone who says "Can I help you" But you will if the person builds a relationship with you first.

Nugget: We must realize that every time we violate any principles of communication, we reduce the effectiveness of our message. Ignoring the principles sends a message to the person with whom we wish to communicate that says, "You are of no value." Rarely do people reject real communication. It is our rude, ill equipped, condemning, or negative approach to communication that people reject. When we value people, we put forth the effort necessary to communicate in a way that will be acceptable and effective.
Truth in Love

My mom is in Keller and once again she just pops up unannounced and sends me an email saying maybe we can get together. This is old and I am tired of it. It still hurts I have lived here for seven years and she has only stopped by to see us one time for a couple of hours on her way to do something else. What irritates me this time is the fact that I talked to her on the phone last Friday and she didn't even tell me she was coming down. I just don't get it. So let me give you an example of me being judgmental here and how it could affect me and then my wife

I think she comes down here unannounced so she doesn't have to make any long term plans with me. I am not her favorite. MY walk with the Lord is over the top so in her eyes I make her uncomfortable. When she comes to Keller it is all about her and her cousin and it doesn't matter if she sees me or my family. She comes unannounced knowing that I will be busy and can't see her. (Just like the last two times she came to Keller.) That way it will not interfere with her time with her cousin. When my wife called me yesterday and read me the email from my Mom …….. II have to tell you I judged and I got pissed. I don't even want to see her. But she is making an effort so I will accommodate, but I still don't like. So when I judge my mom and attach the why I have now cause my own pain and that affects my wife.

Kevin

The Critical Eye

My wife told me tonight that she is seeing a difference in me and how I talk about people. What I mean is this. Have you ever read an email to your wife or told a story but you say it the way you think that person meant it. Just like reading an email. The person who typed it could be typing with a nice tone but because you felt it meant something else (you judged) you read it with maybe a hint of sarcasm in your voice. Or maybe you got really loud. We tend to put our own voice on it. I really hate it when I do that, but I am getting better. My critical eye is getting healed. This leads me to Chpt 8 in the book.

The Critical Eye……….. How I see you is a reflection of how I see me.

Proverbs 26:17
you grab a mad dog by the ears when you butt into a quarrel that's none of your business. The Message

 

I don't find myself as critical as I used to be. The chapter is referring to our need to find fault in others or to point out their shortcomings. You know ………. throwing stones.

 

Nugget: Just because we see the need in another person does not mean we have the right to invade the individual's life. Our first goal should be to love the person and make him or her feel safe while owning his problem. If people do not feel safe with their problem, they will feel they have to cover it up. They will not respond positively to our inquisition (on quest this is where we say you have to love them right where they are) we actually force people in to denial by our rejection and condemnation. Quote from the book

 

Nugget: Just when I think I am getting better I read this. When I am delivered from a critical eye, I will see people as God see them. I will always know the Spirit of God can work in them to solve every problem and conquer every obstacle. You see, our confidence in people is directly related to our confidence in God. When we see the best in them, they will see, believe, and live the best God has to offer. Qoute from the book

 

Thanks Kevin

Matthew 7.3

Matthew 7:3
And why do you look at the speck in your brother's eye, but do not consider the plank in your own eye?NKJV

I had a guy tell me one time ….. He said God; please show me the log in my eye so I can see the speck in my brother's eye. Things are changing in me. I am seeing more and more situations where I would normally make judgments and now I do not. The truth is I did not even know I was doing it and nobody else did either. If they did then they did not say anything to me. Or better yet they did not know I was doing it either so they could not say anything, I had someone tell me today that this person had a good heart. The first thing that came to my mind was "how does he know what kind of heart he has?" We think that is not judging, but it is. What if he had said that person has a bad heart? We most likely would have thought that he is being judgmental. Only the Lord can judge the heart. Not man.

I just had a thought, when I go on Quest to serve it is very important to stay out of the Lord's way. I think I do a good job at that. Most of the time we will say "what is Holy Spirit saying or ask what does Holy Spirit say. It is so much easier to stay out of His way on an event than in real life back home. I say all that to say this. I sometimes get frustrated with people when I try to help them when in reality I am trying to fix them. The best thing that I can do is what I do on Quest. Stay out of the LORD'S way. The best way that I can lead someone in to a Godly transformation is to model that for them. Jesus with Skin on ….mercy, grace, love, and acceptance. Whew! Oh it gets better .. So if we are to be Jesus with skin on then that means that we want to be like God …. Right? The problem is in our concept of God (From the book)
you see, you become like the god you believe in. The voice of condemnation that you hear in your heart is not the enemy or God but it is self-criticism. Something I never thought about, that the book touches on is this. If we are experiencing condemnation in our hearts then we can't help but express condemnation to the world around us. If we feel love and acceptance we will give love and acceptance.
The last half of Matthew 10.8 says "Freely you have received, freely give" One of the reasons people do not give the love of God is freely is that they have never freely received it. So here is the big nugget out of this chapter for me.
Accepting the reality of God's love for me delivers me from the need to find fault in others. My sense of security is now the product of a relationship with God in my heart. As I relate to God from my heart and experience the empowerment of love and acceptance, I will be more apt to model that Love to other. I also will point others to God in their instead of pointing to their behavior. Now I can love you instead of blame you. Thanks for reading, Kevin