3.00 in the morning

I fought it this morning. I woke up at three this morning knowing it was the Lord ….. I lay in bed. 3.30 I lost that battle and got up and went and set at my computer and still fought it. I DID NOT WANT TO SPEND TIME WITH YOU THIS MORNING!!!. I uploaded more pictures to my website still fighting that pull I was feeling in my gut. I hear John 17 so I read, but it was John 18 that nailed me where Jesus says Shall I not drink from this cup of suffering the Father has given me? Now I know the Lord did not break my leg, but I also know that He could have immediately healed me right then and there if He had wanted too. So I just have to wonder what exactly was or is going on. So I chewed on that for a minute or two and then this one came to me. Hebrew 12:3-5
When you find yourselves flagging in your faith, go over that story again, item by item, that long litany of hostility he plowed through. That will shoot adrenaline into your souls! In this all-out match against sin, others have suffered far worse than you, to say nothing of what Jesus went through—all that bloodshed! So don't feel sorry for yourselves. Or have you forgotten how good parents treat children, and that God regards you as his children? My dear child, don't shrug off God's discipline, but don't be crushed by it either. The Message. Can I tell you …. I don't really believe in the last 7 ½ weeks that I have gone over the story of Jesus in my mind once. Many people have asked me this question to the point where I am sick of hearing it. What do you think the Lord is trying to show you? My response has been "Hell I don't know" and I probably won't know for a couple of months or maybe even years, but I am sure I will see it sometime. It has been really hard the last couple of weeks to understand just exactly what is happening? I have lost a bathroom remodel and a kitchen remodel because my leg was broken. The kitchen remodel was my job, but they decided without talking to me that I could not do the job and I am a general contractor. So they hired someone else. They approached me first and didn't even give me a chance. That hurt deeply. I have also been working on a $41000, 00 addition estimate I got it all done and when I am ready to present the numbers (and it is looking really good that I am going to get this job) She has a stroke and they find out she has leukemia and now they are giving her less than a year to live. So that job is dead at least for now. So …. What is God trying to show me? Hmmm

So I ask, Lord I just bleed all over the place how can I end this? Immediately these passages come to me. Proverbs 3:5-7
Lean on, trust in, and be confident in the Lord with all your heart and mind and do not rely on your own insight or understanding. In all your ways know, recognize, and acknowledge Him, and He will direct and make straight and plain your paths. Be not wise in your own eyes; reverently fear and worship the Lord and turn [entirely] away from evil.AMP